as high as a kite or stuck in a rut

Throughout my life I seem to go through phases that continually repeat themselves. I'm either as high as a kite, loving every moment of life, so happy all of the time and wanting to share this happiness with the world(which is where I have been the past few months). Or....I'm stuck, no more like lodged, in a rut. I'm not meaning the mammalian reproduction version of "rut", but more so as a depression or groove worn into a road or path. I let myself feel down for absolutely no reason. Instead of thinking about the amazing things in my life I let my mind dwell on the not-so-great.

...I have a very crappy job...true. School is starting up again in less than a month and I'm once again having to take out a loan to pay for it...sad but very true. I have to ask permission to do basically anything...depressingly true. I've stopped trying to comprehend my scripture reading and am just going through the motions of getting my reading done and I've also been skipping out on institute and other church activities so I feel friendless...pathetically true... 

There is no one to blame for any of this but myself. I let myself become lame and lazy. Only I am capable of fixing this by getting off my butt and doing something about it. Let's start with the positive in my life. I could very easily be out of Logan finally and living in Michigan but there's one reason basically that has kept me from doing so. Of course it all comes down to a boy. Not just any boy either. This boy treats me better than anyone has ever treated me before. He makes me laugh, he brings me flowers, he tells me I'm beautiful. When I'm with him nothing else even matters. I have a crappy job but he makes me forget that. I'm kind of dreading school starting but he makes me excited to go and learn. He is just amazing, I really don't know what to do with this boy whose made me completely fall for him, and way too fast might I add. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I'm tired of making decisions for myself, lol.

So once again it seems I'm all happy and giddy just thinking about this boy. Boys are so dumb, why are they constantly having to make us so miserably happy. Ok, I'm done writing for now. What have I accomplished with this blog....I don't know, lol!!! :)

patience, fear. supposing. sucks.

The fear isn't going away. I guess I'm not helping with that though since I haven't been doing anything to help myself get over the fear. A big part of that is my patience or lack thereof. I still do not care to be patient with this. I've never had to be patient in this sense before and it sucks! I don't see the purpose in it which sounds really bad. I don't understand why I was brought to this point. To this place where it can only go down from here. I should be at a place where I only see things getting better and more wonderful ,but I don't. Things wont get better, I've seen this all along yet continued going the direction I was going because it felt right. How can something that feels so right only be for temporary happiness. I am so tired of feeling like this every single week. The only word I can think of that describes this is Sucky. I don't even care for that word but it's all that comes to mind. I keep supposing that things will go horribly wrong because I can't imagine things going any different. I just want to stop, to take a break and not even think about my life and where it's headed. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I want to fall into a deep sleep, wake up in a year and have things perfectly in place. My life isn't moving anywhere, it's stuck in the same day to day pattern, never moving, never growing. Going to the same worthless job. Feeling the same worthless feelings Wondering when, if ever, this will all change. I'm complaining my life away. One thing I don't understand is how I can pass for 19...even 17, lol....yet I am constantly stressing and having crap going on. Shouldn't I have a lot of wrinkles and look 30 or something? lol. I hope it doesn't all decide to catch up to me someday. I don't mind looking(acting) like a 19-year-old. Ok, I'm done complaining for now, you can tell this is one of my four awful days of the week. Sorry.

Isn't he just so freaking cute?

love yourself

I initially wanted to blog about how annoyed I am with people criticizing their bodies. I've seen it a lot in the past week and I can't stand it mostly because these people are so gorgeous and don't realize it. I use to have really low self esteem and hate the way I looked but I no longer do. I figure there's too many things to worry about it this world why should that be one of them. We all just need to love ourselves for who we are and see the beauty God sees in us. With that said I've come to realize that I have been complaining way too much the last few weeks. I've been focusing on a lot of negative things that have really been bringing me down and probably the people around me as well. My life really is so wonderful I don't know why I'm constantly complaining. It's mostly been about two things, the 30th ward lol, and well....something else. That 30th Ward!!! I don't know why I let them  bother me so much, I can't expect every ward to be as cool as the 4th ward, ha ha ha!! Just Kidding! They're great.... besides it's the 4th wards month to take over finally, thank heavens. K, so now I'm working on not complaining so much on top of the over coming letting fear run my life. That's been a lot harder then I thought it would be. It's good though, I'm working on it.

Could someone please tell me how to be ok when I know that the future is going to suck???