patience, fear. supposing. sucks.

The fear isn't going away. I guess I'm not helping with that though since I haven't been doing anything to help myself get over the fear. A big part of that is my patience or lack thereof. I still do not care to be patient with this. I've never had to be patient in this sense before and it sucks! I don't see the purpose in it which sounds really bad. I don't understand why I was brought to this point. To this place where it can only go down from here. I should be at a place where I only see things getting better and more wonderful ,but I don't. Things wont get better, I've seen this all along yet continued going the direction I was going because it felt right. How can something that feels so right only be for temporary happiness. I am so tired of feeling like this every single week. The only word I can think of that describes this is Sucky. I don't even care for that word but it's all that comes to mind. I keep supposing that things will go horribly wrong because I can't imagine things going any different. I just want to stop, to take a break and not even think about my life and where it's headed. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I want to fall into a deep sleep, wake up in a year and have things perfectly in place. My life isn't moving anywhere, it's stuck in the same day to day pattern, never moving, never growing. Going to the same worthless job. Feeling the same worthless feelings Wondering when, if ever, this will all change. I'm complaining my life away. One thing I don't understand is how I can pass for 19...even 17, lol....yet I am constantly stressing and having crap going on. Shouldn't I have a lot of wrinkles and look 30 or something? lol. I hope it doesn't all decide to catch up to me someday. I don't mind looking(acting) like a 19-year-old. Ok, I'm done complaining for now, you can tell this is one of my four awful days of the week. Sorry.