as high as a kite or stuck in a rut

Throughout my life I seem to go through phases that continually repeat themselves. I'm either as high as a kite, loving every moment of life, so happy all of the time and wanting to share this happiness with the world(which is where I have been the past few months). Or....I'm stuck, no more like lodged, in a rut. I'm not meaning the mammalian reproduction version of "rut", but more so as a depression or groove worn into a road or path. I let myself feel down for absolutely no reason. Instead of thinking about the amazing things in my life I let my mind dwell on the not-so-great.

...I have a very crappy job...true. School is starting up again in less than a month and I'm once again having to take out a loan to pay for it...sad but very true. I have to ask permission to do basically anything...depressingly true. I've stopped trying to comprehend my scripture reading and am just going through the motions of getting my reading done and I've also been skipping out on institute and other church activities so I feel friendless...pathetically true... 

There is no one to blame for any of this but myself. I let myself become lame and lazy. Only I am capable of fixing this by getting off my butt and doing something about it. Let's start with the positive in my life. I could very easily be out of Logan finally and living in Michigan but there's one reason basically that has kept me from doing so. Of course it all comes down to a boy. Not just any boy either. This boy treats me better than anyone has ever treated me before. He makes me laugh, he brings me flowers, he tells me I'm beautiful. When I'm with him nothing else even matters. I have a crappy job but he makes me forget that. I'm kind of dreading school starting but he makes me excited to go and learn. He is just amazing, I really don't know what to do with this boy whose made me completely fall for him, and way too fast might I add. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I'm tired of making decisions for myself, lol.

So once again it seems I'm all happy and giddy just thinking about this boy. Boys are so dumb, why are they constantly having to make us so miserably happy. Ok, I'm done writing for now. What have I accomplished with this blog....I don't know, lol!!! :)

patience, fear. supposing. sucks.

The fear isn't going away. I guess I'm not helping with that though since I haven't been doing anything to help myself get over the fear. A big part of that is my patience or lack thereof. I still do not care to be patient with this. I've never had to be patient in this sense before and it sucks! I don't see the purpose in it which sounds really bad. I don't understand why I was brought to this point. To this place where it can only go down from here. I should be at a place where I only see things getting better and more wonderful ,but I don't. Things wont get better, I've seen this all along yet continued going the direction I was going because it felt right. How can something that feels so right only be for temporary happiness. I am so tired of feeling like this every single week. The only word I can think of that describes this is Sucky. I don't even care for that word but it's all that comes to mind. I keep supposing that things will go horribly wrong because I can't imagine things going any different. I just want to stop, to take a break and not even think about my life and where it's headed. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I want to fall into a deep sleep, wake up in a year and have things perfectly in place. My life isn't moving anywhere, it's stuck in the same day to day pattern, never moving, never growing. Going to the same worthless job. Feeling the same worthless feelings Wondering when, if ever, this will all change. I'm complaining my life away. One thing I don't understand is how I can pass for 19...even 17, lol....yet I am constantly stressing and having crap going on. Shouldn't I have a lot of wrinkles and look 30 or something? lol. I hope it doesn't all decide to catch up to me someday. I don't mind looking(acting) like a 19-year-old. Ok, I'm done complaining for now, you can tell this is one of my four awful days of the week. Sorry.

Isn't he just so freaking cute?

love yourself

I initially wanted to blog about how annoyed I am with people criticizing their bodies. I've seen it a lot in the past week and I can't stand it mostly because these people are so gorgeous and don't realize it. I use to have really low self esteem and hate the way I looked but I no longer do. I figure there's too many things to worry about it this world why should that be one of them. We all just need to love ourselves for who we are and see the beauty God sees in us. With that said I've come to realize that I have been complaining way too much the last few weeks. I've been focusing on a lot of negative things that have really been bringing me down and probably the people around me as well. My life really is so wonderful I don't know why I'm constantly complaining. It's mostly been about two things, the 30th ward lol, and well....something else. That 30th Ward!!! I don't know why I let them  bother me so much, I can't expect every ward to be as cool as the 4th ward, ha ha ha!! Just Kidding! They're great.... besides it's the 4th wards month to take over finally, thank heavens. K, so now I'm working on not complaining so much on top of the over coming letting fear run my life. That's been a lot harder then I thought it would be. It's good though, I'm working on it.

Could someone please tell me how to be ok when I know that the future is going to suck???

I found a list of new years resolutions that I made January 24, 2008. This was nearly two and a half years ago and it makes me laugh to read over it. I wrote these with such a strong desire to do them but not actually believing that I could. I have now accomplished all of these and it makes me really sad to think about where I was at in my life two and a half years ago. I was so depressed and felt stuck. I honestly believed that the rest of my life would be like that. I am so happy to have found that wasn't true.

I now love making new friends. I can communicate better than ever before. I am in school and know what I want out of life. I have good friends and family in my life who do not bring me down. I am HAPPY. I lost weight(just because I went off of birth control though, lol).

The resolutions I made:
1. I will be more outgoing, not be afraid to meet new people, not be afraid to communicate and tell people what I really am thinking, not be afraid to be me!



2. I will accomplish something big, weather it be getting back into school, learning something new or just figuring out what I'm going to do with my life.


3. I will be strong, you will not pull me down any longer. 'You' being people who have made me hurt, cry or feel bad. I've spent too much of my life feeling bad, and I'm done. If you want to be a crappy person, then by all means do it on your own time becaue I am too busy to be burdened with you. And if you push me down, I will get up and push you down even harder.


4. I will be happy! I use to be such a happy person and I miss that. I may seem happy on the outside, but it's just a show. I will be happy on the inside as well from now on. I will also surround myself with happy people, so happy people, let's be happy together!


5. I will loose 5 pounds and get in shape on my own terms.

The one who makes me laugh

The last week has brought on a lot of new changes. I finally got a new job after searching since January, though I'm definitely still on the job hunt. I doubt I will make it through the week without flushing a phone down the toilet or karate chopping my ears off. I also managed to talk this boy into being my boyfriend. How I was able to do that I will never know because he is simply Amazing. He truly is the dorkiest person I know, which is why I like him so much. When I'm with him I literally cannot stop laughing. He has such a great outlook on life and is so fun to be around. I could go on about what I like about him but I wont. There's about a million things I like about this boy and only one thing I don't. He lives an hour and a half away. I always swore I would never do the long distance thing yet here I am doing it. I even debated giving up something that makes me so happy over an hour and a half drive. It sounds ridiculous when put that way and well it is just that, ridiculous. Once that realization hit me I decided that what I want more than anything else is to just be happy. Brian makes me happy so therefore not being with him would be stupid on my part. I really have no idea what is going to happen with Brian but I hope for good things. That is all the exciting news I have for now. p.s. I may never post another blog again because I will most likely have stabbed my eyes out at work tomorrow. I'm literally dreading it.

excitement fills the air

Over the last few weeks I have had a mixture of feelings towards my life and where I was going with it. I have been mostly worried and scared. I have a hard time choosing what I want in life because I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice and having to wonder what would have happened if I only... In this precise moment(hence my blogging at midnight) I do not feel afraid. I know what I want, with certain things, more than I have known so fully in such a long time. I am not worried, I am excited, I am happy, I am so thrilled that I can't keep it to myself. I'm about to make a decision that could possibly (and hopefully) change my life a great deal. For once I am not afraid that this could be a poor decision that could just end up hurting me in the future. I don't care about fear anymore. I just want to be happy and this makes me so happy that I'm going for it. I'm about to jump in blindly because I know that my Heavenly Father will guide me through this. So life get ready because this is happening.